Being Home

Some of us..and you know who you are...are cursed with the insatiable disorder of wanderlust. I call it a disorder because it apeears in the body as a dull to sometimes throbbing ache from deep in the belly, to the heart. The ache then goes on to cause such mental distress of having to go, "somewhere", that your head feels it will spontaneously combust at any moment.

This is an affliction I've dealt with for much of my life. Even worse for me because if I'm unable to spend at least a month in one place and absorb its pulse, then it's heartbreaking to even go, but I manage.


Years ago I read the book, Eat, Pray, Love and recently saw the film. If you've not read or seen either, you'll want to know it's less about a chick flick and more about a journey of self-discovery. The character, Liz, while simultaneously traveling through her own journey of shedding skins eats her way through Italy, finds her soul in India and retrieves her heart in Bali. It wasn't until the images of Bali splashed across the screen, its lush, emerald landscape thinly veiled in cloud rings, that my finger began to point like E.T. and repeating "Home!" as my heart glowed in my chest. Having been raised in Florida,I'm a tropical girl at heart, but these images stopped me. The palms swaying, the rice paddies with temples descending their terraces like benevolent kings & queens, the sparkling water, the hindu mixed with buddhism..I could feel the humidity through the screen and wanted to dive into that wonderland.


Upon leaving the theater, all I could think about was booking my flight to Bali. And so I'm going, like a thousand other women who've seen this film. My reason for going to Bali is not in search of romance. I feel incredibly fortunate to already have that in my life. There is something about this enchanted island which is calling me from a deeply ancient, cellular place in my body. I know when there a connection will be made. It's as if I'm an orphaned child and Bali is my birth parent..it's deep. And because of this there has been a melancholy bordering on anxiety of wanting to go as soon as possible. And..there is a time for everything.


Ambrose Bierce once defined patience as "a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue." Those of us who are afflicted with wanderlust know that patience is the key to sanity in between our journeys. I'm exagerrating of course, but there is an indescribable longing which mounts when too much time has lapsed between wanders. And with patience comes grounding.


My melancholy moved through much the way a mild thunderstorm passes over a summer afternoon. If you've lived in the southeast you know what I mean. I began to see my current surroundings in a new light. The on-screen images igniting my heart were qualities which could also be found here at home. Gentleness, openess, peace, joy, vibrance, love, warmth, ease, spirit, all of which reside within me no matter where I go. So from now until I go next year. I practice a meditation, how can we be home within?


Whatever we're longing for, can we find it within? If we're unable to find it how can we cultivate it? In our daily lives we extend our energy in so many directions that we forget our home. When we forget our home there is disarray and when there is disarray there is disharmony in our emotional body causing distress, anxiety, melancholy, stress. Of course this wears on the physical body bringing muscular tension, digestive issues, etc. As I walk through my neighborhood I enjoy the fragrant jasmine, the night sky, the happy dog, the rolling hills, the venerable peak of Mt. Tam saying "Namaste" to the sky. As I return to what is within, my heart opens to what is before me. A pleasant anticipation replaces the manic, insatiable need to "GO". And when I go, I'll go as a whole instead of a fragment of myself.


This is practice of embodiment..embodying the present..the gift. In the practice of being home we are most alive. When we move from this place we are authentically engaged with everything around us. Acceptant of what is, our visibility becomes more inclusive of life's flow. In this place we can be home anywhere and without it will always be home-sick.