Shifting Patterns

On our second date, my beau asked what makes me angry. I really had to stop and think about his question. I hadn't been angry in a long time. I'd been spending every morning in meditation, in blissful solitude, my cat by my side. I lived alone in my neat little studio and my commute consisted of leisurely twenty minute walk from the Mission to Noe Valley. Now, four years later, with my beau and 5 year-old stepdaughter, we've created a happy household. However, there are times when this self-aware woman with a serene disposition has irrational incursions mucking up my bucolic mindscape.


Many of the questions I ask in our household often go unanswered such as, "Why is there a banana peel on your bedroom floor?" "Who put the empty milk carton back in the fridge?" "Why is this wet towel in our bed?" "Where is your backpack?" Of course every morning my beau sends me on a Psychic Scavenger Hunt. "Honey have you seen my..keys...wallet...glasses...shoes.?" Miraculously I know the whereabouts of all these things. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and thank the Divine for our life together, but my life has dramatically changed and I find myself wrought with mercurial bursts of irritation a few times a week. It's very unsettling and quite frankly rocking my world and not in the good way.


Once saturation is reached, I never blow-up. It simmers and seeps out of me until steam is seen swirling from my ears. My lips press together and I walk at a clipped pace until my beau approaches me with the bewildered, "Honey what's wrong?"At which I reply a very strained bordering on low growl, "nothing!"


I have a bad habit...actually there's more than one. They vary in degree from insidious to benign. The one getting my attention lately is this uncomely reaction to irritants. Most of the time it's laughed about, but sometimes it creates a snowball of havoc. It's getting my attention because I realize these are my patterns at play and I'm done behaving like the wounded 12 year-old.


This particular passive-aggressive pattern of clamming up and stomping around exists in my father and my mother and even my grandmothers and now I've inherited it like a worn hand-me-down coat. It's not vintage, it's just old. But the more work I do on shifting patterns, the less interested I am in handing this down to my daughter.


The increasingly antiquated parental catchphrase, "Stop crying or I'll give you something good to cry about." was used ad nauseam throughout my childhood and most likely my parents'. As babies we cry to show our upset, frustration, discomfort. Growing into children we evolve in our communication, testing the waters of how far we can take our level of needs and wants. We begin to cry out of frustration which when not supported, quickly turns to anger, then grief.  So when the aforementioned phrase was repeated I learned quickly that my voice was not going to be validated and I clammed up, for a long time.


Now in a loving supportive relationship with my family and myself, this self-imposed incommunicado has become unnecessary. And so, what to do with it? Patterns are with us and many times have been inherited through generations of mild to maniacal dysfunction. Much of time we don't see their sludgey existence as we continue to use them as ineffective tools in our lives. These patterns end up informing our behavior and even physical postures. My grandfather used to tell us to 'stop making that frown or else your face will stay that way.' this is what patterns do to us. They are the figurative muscles we've worked so much they've become contortions to our emotional and physical bodies...not to mention making our energy bad juju!


We've been living in a society where we medicate, drink, even botox it away. Yet the shift in consciousness has been rising and we are choosing healthier options. I'm seeing more clients choosing 'no' to anti-deps and anti-anxiety meds and wanting to find more effective ways in dealing with these issues in their lives. But again, how do we get there? Some very simplified steps are offered:


Step #1: Self-insight. When you begin to ask questions of yourself, why your relationships, your health, your life is a certain way, you may begin to see a pattern of behavior. This is the first step in creating an awareness that change may be needed.


Step #2: Explore. As you take a good look at your life, begin asking where these patterns come from. Do you remember this behavior in childhood? Do you remember how is was shaped?


Step #3: Recognition. Once you begin to have an awareness of the pattern and where it stems, you can begin to recognize when it comes up in your life.


Step #4: Choice: As you begin to recognize the pattern, take a moment to label it as such. So in other words, when I'm in clam-up mode, I say to myself, "okay this is my very old pattern, which is not serving me. How can I choose a different, more effective behavior?"


All of these steps are simplified and certainly require effort, especially the last one. When realizing and interacting with our patterns, it can feel as if that cute UPS guy just dropped off a big giftwrapped Pandora's box. Choosing a more effective behavior is a challenge. It's like working an atrophied muscle or learning a new language. Yet once we begin to utilize this new skill we realize we are creating a new, healthier pattern of behavior. The secret is this healthier version is hiding in all of us because it's sourced from our truest being, it's sourced from our heart and it's who we genuinely are as human beings.


So now as I work this new muscle, I'm gaining a new voice and a new way to gently communicate my upsets and frustrations. My heart continues to open along with it and that old, worn coat is shedding. Yet, the most gratifying of all is that my daughter will mature knowing she has a voice and it is valid.